Wednesday, 26 August 2020

Mid-life crisis?

This is another rant post so beware, you have been warned LOL!!!

Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, my views and thoughts of life have changed if not altered by the many happenings day in day out. I have began to think more of what I want in life, what is there for me, is this enough, etc... all kinds of negative thoughts and what-if's kept embroiling in my mind. Maybe being cooped up at home for too long during the lockdown then was not a good thing after all but even until now the swirling thoughts have not stopped. It sure feels like my mid-life crisis has started to kick in!

I sure wished for the most is for that lucky strike so that I could pay off my debts and resign from my day job so that I can wholeheartedly concentrate on my dream job! Honestly, the one contentment and fulfillment aside from family is my dream job. I just can't divide my attention enough to so many things now especially since it's tiring by the time I reached home after work.

A normal working day for me:
5am wakes up, pray, shower, wake the children and hubby
6.30am leaves house and head for breakfast
7.30am takes the train to work - read during commute
9am to 6pm work day job
6pm takes the train to go home
7pm either hubby or son picks me up and lepak at a mamak until the traffic jam subsides - read or play Pokemon Go or Wizards Unite
8.30pm heads home for shower, dinner and house chores
11pm sleep

So damn tiring right? No time at all for my dream job except for bedtime when I'm idling before sleep. When weekend arrive, I'll be busy with house chores and cleaning. Dream job? What dream job??? The only time I could squeeze in some 'me time' would be in the afternoon when there is nothing much to be done left. Unless the family wants to go out 'jalan jalan'.

I am thankful I still have a day job to pay the bills and put food on the table. However it is a day job just for that. It is not a job I love nor enjoy hence I can not feel the warmth in it. I do envy lots of my friends who love and enjoy their day jobs as it's what they studied for and wanted. If I only knew English Literature was a thing back then, I would have gone for it rather than Accountancy (which I flunk) or Fashion Design (which my parents die die won't let me study). I have always enjoyed reading, English and writing but I never knew I could study them. During my time, there wasn't any Education fair or counseling when I finished my SPM so I was left 'hanging' so to speak.

Anyway, lately unbelievably, I am reading and discovering more money related posts and blogs too! Well, not the conventional types but more relatable ones like Ringgit Oh Ringgit and Mr. Stingy which dwelt more on daily Malaysian monetary stuffs. So my taste has changed and even mindset too! I guess my inner self has just awaken and slowly progressing to find more of ME!

Back to my dream job. One which is also my passive income i.e. crafting that I love but have to slow down due to my frozen shoulder. So yeah too much crocheting has finally taken it's toll and rendered me in more pain! If you are wondering, we tend to be in a rigid form sitting while crocheting hence the lack of movement = lack of exercise and in turn frozen shoulder! This is a sad fact but very true!

Anyway, my blogging / writing / reading has prompted me to look into studying again... gasp! I could not believe that studying has actually crossed my mind! LOL! Well, English Literature to be precise. I have always wanted to write a novel... well writing basically makes me happy hence this blog, right! After Googling much, I have decided I want to go for not only Creative Writing but English Literature as a whole. Yes, a degree in English Literature. So to achieve that, I can only wished for that lucky break (see first wish above). Unfortunately as it has not happened, I would still have to go on with my day job, try to increase my passive income, wait for my children to graduate Uni and then only look at my own dream.

So for now, back to reality. Thank you for reading my lengthy rant.

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